Meet ‘Em Where They’re At

If you’d like to listen to me telling this story on my podcast, go here.

Have you ever felt like you’re just speaking at cross purposes with someone? Those times when you’re trying to find a connection point so you can make some progress?

One of my long-time mantras is ‘meet ‘em where they’re at’.

I was once contracted to a multinational company in Port Morseby, Papua New Guinea. I’d been flown there from Perth to run 360-degree feedback debriefs for the leaders across the country. My first meeting, straight off the plane, was with the head of HR.

I walked into his office. Picture this: he has one of those big ‘power desks’ in the corner, with a giant chair to match. Behind him is this floor-to-ceiling view of Port Moresby Harbour. Across the desk there's this tiny little plastic chair for me. 

I sit down, not intimidated at all.

I say, “We're here to talk about your 360 report.” He picks up the report and says, “Do you mean this?” Then he throws it past my head, it hits the wall behind me, and falls into the bin. I reckon he'd been practicing that move before I got there!

At this point, I’m thinking, “I've got 90 minutes with this guy. He's the head of HR. How am going to do this?” 

I look around the office. There are posters of famous golfers on the walls. I noticed a putter in the bin that had been snapped in half.

I’m getting a sense of my ‘in’ with him. So I say, “Do you like golf?”

He answers, “Oh, do you play?” “Yeah, I'm known to have a go.” (I do play a little bit of golf.)

We proceed to talk about golf for another 45 minutes. He raves about the amazing courses here, and the fact that the membership fees are too high. And I'm just listening. After 45 minutes, he says, “Can we go up onto the roof? I want to have a smoke.”

Once we’re up on the roof, he opens right up about the report. With no prompting from me, all of the frustrations come out. How his boss doesn't understand him. How he doesn't see the full picture, he doesn’t know how hard I work. And so on. 

Now we're getting somewhere. 

Meet ‘em where they’re at.

That experience taught me that you can’t just come in with your agenda and expect them to welcome you with open arms.

Instead, you need to meet ‘em where they’re at. As Steven Covey said, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood. 

The fundamental human need is to feel seen. Let them know you see them. That you’re interested in them.

When we feel seen, we start to trust. And trust is the key to keeping conversations and relationships moving forward.

Meet ‘em where they’re at.